Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says:

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I understand how hurricane paths work

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I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

What is the reason behind some people wearing trunks instead of speedos when swimming in pools?

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

I have complete contempt for traitorism

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

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I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

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I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I can count

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

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I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

What is after school detention like in your school?

I don’t cotton to rapists

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

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I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I have a reading level above third grade

What is the rudest/meanest thing a family member has said to you?

I have complete contempt for fakery

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

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I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

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I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

What are some of the most annoying movie clichés?

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I see through liars

How do you deal with a neighbor stealing?

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

I actually pay taxes

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

I don’t buy bullshit

I can read

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I know who the president of Turkey really is

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I have an acute aversion to scumbags